By James Fleming, Co-Founder and Managing Director, The Power Within Training

The Need to Be Liked Is Quietly Killing Leadership

I see this a lot in leadership, and I’ll hold my hands up, I’ve done it too.

Trying too hard to be liked.

Nobody really talks about it, because on the surface it looks harmless. It can even look like good leadership. You’re approachable, you care about people, you don’t want to upset anyone, and you try to keep the peace.

All very lovely.

Until it starts costing you.

Because when you’re in charge of a team, a business, or an organisation, the need to be liked can quietly start making decisions for you. The difficult conversation gets pushed back because someone might take it the wrong way. Behaviour gets brushed off because they’re “under pressure”. Then yes slips out when it should’ve been a no, and suddenly you’re sitting at your desk, knackered, frustrated and quietly raging into your coffee.

And the mad thing is, most leaders know they’re doing it.

They know the conversation needs to happen. The standard has dropped. Someone is taking the mick a wee bit, and the team can feel it too.

But instead of dealing with it, they try to be nice.

Nice is fine, by the way. I’m all for nice. The world could do with a bit more of it, especially in business where some people seem to think being blunt means having the emotional range of a stapler.

But nice can become a hiding place.

That’s where leaders get into trouble.

The problem with wanting everyone to like you

Most people don’t go into leadership thinking, “Right, how can I avoid every difficult thing and slowly lose control of the standards around here?”

It happens gradually.

You get promoted because you’re good at your job, then suddenly you’re managing people who used to be your peers. There’s still that pull to be seen as one of the team, so things get softened. You let a few bits slide because you don’t want people thinking you’ve changed, then before you know it, you’re saying, “Don’t worry about it,” when actually, they probably should worry about it a little.

Then a few months later, you’re sitting with the consequences.

The person who keeps missing deadlines is still missing deadlines. The team member with the poor attitude is now setting the tone for everyone else. The person who needs feedback hasn’t had it, so they’ve carried on thinking everything is fine.

And here’s the bit leaders often miss.

Your team sees it.

Your team can feel it. Inconsistent standards, one person getting away with more than everyone else, decisions being dodged because the room might get a bit awkward.

People might like you for being easy-going in the moment, but they won’t trust you for it long term.

And trust is far more useful than being everyone’s favourite person.

I’ve had to learn this myself

When we started building The Power Within Training, I had to learn pretty quickly that caring about people didn’t mean keeping everyone comfortable all the time.

That was a hard lesson.

When it’s your business, you care about everything. You care about the clients, the team, the reputation, the quality of the work, the way people feel, the way the brand comes across, all of it. And when you care that much, it’s easy to convince yourself that you need to be involved in everything.

You start thinking you’re helping.

Sometimes you are. Sometimes you’re just hovering around people with a laptop and a face that says, “I’m trying very hard to trust you, but I’ve got questions.”

Learning to step back has been a big one for me. Hiring people who are better than me in certain areas is one thing, actually letting them get on with it is another. I also needed to stop making every decision run through me, because that’s exhausting for everyone, especially the poor souls waiting on a reply to a message I read three days ago and mentally answered.

And then there are the conversations I didn’t fancy having.

Performance conversations. Direction conversations. Conversations where someone needed clarity, and I knew that if I danced around the subject, I wasn’t helping them. I was just protecting myself from a bit of discomfort.

That’s the honest truth.

A lot of the time, when leaders avoid difficult conversations, they tell themselves they’re protecting the other person. They’re usually protecting themselves.

It’s the awkward silence, the reaction, and that horrible feeling that you’ve somehow become the bad guy.

Fair enough. Nobody enjoys that part.

But leadership asks more of you than being comfortable.

Being liked is a weak foundation

The need to be liked is a shaky thing to build leadership on, because it depends on other people approving of every decision you make.

That’s impossible.

If you lead properly, some people won’t like every call. Some people won’t enjoy being challenged, some people will push back when standards are raised, and some people will mistake clarity for criticism, especially if they’re used to getting away with things.

That doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.

It might mean you’ve finally started leading.

Good leadership isn’t cold or harsh. It’s human, honest and clear. Caring about someone doesn’t mean avoiding the truth about their performance. Supporting them doesn’t mean removing responsibility. Listening properly doesn’t mean every decision has to be one they love.

That’s the job.

And if that sounds uncomfortable, that’s because it is.

Leadership is full of moments where you have to choose between what feels easier today and what will actually help the team tomorrow.

The easy thing is usually avoidance dressed up as kindness.

The useful thing is usually a clear conversation.

This is why mindset matters

At The Power Within Training, this is exactly why the work starts with mindset and belief systems.

Most leaders don’t need another fancy model telling them feedback matters. They know feedback matters, they know accountability matters, and they know communication matters. They know they should delegate more, make clearer decisions and stop taking everything home in their head like a sad little leadership packed lunch.

The real issue is the story leaders create around what might happen if they do the thing they already know needs done. Someone could take it badly, leave, feel upset, question their fairness, or make them feel like they’ve handled it wrong.

That thinking drives behaviour.

So the leader avoids the conversation, lowers the standard, over-explains the decision, or apologises for asking for something completely reasonable.

This is why traditional leadership training often doesn’t stick. It gives people tools, scripts and processes, which can be useful, but if the person underneath still believes conflict means failure, or feedback means rejection, they’ll struggle to use any of it when the pressure hits.

That’s where Motivational Intelligence comes in.

It helps leaders understand what’s driving their behaviour. It gets underneath the surface and looks at the beliefs, habits and thinking patterns that shape how they show up when things get hard.

Because that’s where leadership is really tested.

What leaders can do today

Start with one honest question.

Where am I choosing being liked over leading properly?

You’ll probably know the answer quicker than you’d like.

It might be a person, a decision, a behaviour, a standard, a meeting, or an expectation you’ve let become fuzzy. It might be something small that’s been annoying you for months, which is always a lovely sign that it should’ve been handled about eight weeks ago.

Then have the conversation.

Keep it simple. Say what you’ve noticed, explain the impact, ask for their view, agree what needs to change, then follow it up.

You don’t need to go in like a courtroom barrister, or have a dramatic speech. You don’t need to soften it so much that nobody knows what you’re actually saying.

Just be clear and fair.

Most people can handle honest feedback when it’s delivered with respect. What they struggle with is confusion, inconsistency and leaders who say everything is fine until one day they explode like a shaken bottle of Irn-Bru.

Final thought

Wanting to be liked doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

But when that need starts shaping your leadership, it becomes a problem. It affects your decisions, your standards, your confidence and your team culture.

People don’t need leaders who are desperate for approval.

They need leaders who care enough to be honest, who can hold standards without making it personal. They need leaders who can have the hard conversations early, before they become bigger, messier and more awkward than they ever needed to be.

That’s the kind of leadership The Power Within Training helps people build.

Real, human leadership. The kind that starts with how you think, because how you think shapes how you lead.

And if one awkward conversation is the thing standing between your team and better performance, have the conversation.

You’ll survive.

They’ll survive.

The coffee afterwards will taste better too.

Ready to build leaders who can have the conversations that matter?

The Power Within Training helps leaders and managers develop the mindset, confidence and leadership behaviours needed to build stronger teams, healthier cultures and lasting results.

Explore our leadership development programmes or get in touch to chat about how the team can support your organisation.

James Fleming
The Power Within Training
The Motivational Intelligence Company
james@tpwtd.com